if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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