dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
