i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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