Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
