She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
