Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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