I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
