Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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