Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
