Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
