Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
