i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
