He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
