I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
