Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
