Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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