I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
