If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
