Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I've blown a few things in my day
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
