When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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