Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
