These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am midnight drunk by noon
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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