After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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