People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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