News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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