Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
