i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
