I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
