Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
