Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
