You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
