allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
