Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
