I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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