Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
