next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
