He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
ttyl tear gas
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
