I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
