My nipple is on Facebook.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
