Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
