does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
