So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
