oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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