I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Operation Purity has been aborted
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
