Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
