I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
