I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
