i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have feelings that need drinking.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
