i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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