I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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