too bad you live with your parents still
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
